AFRICASTALLESTMAN INTERVIEWS ALHAJI MAJOR GENERAL MUHAMMADU BUHARI, PRESIDENT OF NIGERIA AT UNGA (UNITED NATIONS GENERAL ASSEMBLY), HOLDEN IN NEW YORK FROM SEPTEMBER 23 TO 27, 2019

AFRICASTALLESTMAN:
Welcome to New York, Alhaji, glad you made the trip despite your political problems at home.

ALHAJI GENERAL MUHAMMADU BUHARI:
What problems, Africastallestman?

AFRICASTALLESTMAN:
Your legal problems including your certificate forgery.

ALHAJI GENERAL MUHAMMADU BUHARI:
Nigeria operates under Sharia Law. In Sharia Law, affidavits and eyewitness account trump every other evidence. Evidence was presented at the PEPT (President Election Petition Tribunal) that I was present at Katsina Provincial Secondary School, Katsina. You can forge certificates, but you cannot forge eyewitness accounts.

AFRICASTALLESTMAN:
How do you plan to address the high youth and graduate unemployment in Nigeria?

ALHAJI GENERAL MUHAMMADU BUHARI:
Blame it on global warming. Who would want to employ anyone with the high temperatures ravaging the world? The heat has dried up Lake Chad and the Fulani nomads are moving south creating clashes and potential clashes with farmers.
Luckily, Governor Nyesom Wike of Rivers State has graciously given me permission to pipe water from Bonny to Baga. We will use the oil pipeline from Bonny via Kaduna to Maiduguri to transport the ocean water. From Maiduguri, it will be transported by lorries to Baga and used to recharge Lake Chad.

AFRICASTALLESTMAN:
Alhaji, there is no pipeline from Bonny to Kaduna. The pipeline runs from Escravos to Kaduna.

ALHAJI GENERAL MUHAMMADU BUHARI:
No problem, I will have Alhaji Abba Kyari award the contract to extend the pipeline from Escravos to Bonny.

AFRICASTALLESTMAN:
Ocean water is salty, and Lake Chad has fresh water.

ALHAJI GENERAL MUHAMMADU BUHARI:
We will boil the water to remove the salt.

AFRICASTALLESTMAN:
Really? There will be no water left after boiling.

ALHAJI GENERAL MUHAMMADU BUHARI:
I will have Alhaji Abba Kyari figure it out.

AFRICASTALLESTMAN:
Is Alhaji Kyari, the Minister of Petroleum and Water Resources?

ALHAJI GENERAL MUHAMMADU BUHARI:
All Ministers report to Alhaji Abba Kyari. He approves everything. You never complained when Dr. Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala was “Prime Minister” under Dr. Goodluck Jonathan.

AFRICASTALLESTMAN:
Comparing Dr. Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala to Alhaji Abba Kyari is akin to comparing a cow to a chicken. Talking about cows, how is your Ruganization, Islamization, and Fulanization going?

ALHAJI GENERAL MUHAMMADU BUHARI:
I was making progress until Pastor, Professor, Politician Yemi Osinbajo mobilized his Christians against it. The man is a chameleon. He is corrupt, and on his way out. I will replace him with another Yoruba Pastor. The Igbos trust Yorubas religiously but not politically, which is a win-win situation for me. I assuage Yoruba feelings and retain Igbo Christian support.

AFRICASTALLESTMAN:
Talking about Ruganization, I notice that killings by your brethren Fulani Terrorist Herdsmen slowed after German Vice Chancellor, Heiko Maas wrote a scathing letter to you about harassing IPOB (Indigenous Peoples of Biafra).

BROKEN NEWS!!! GERMAN GOVERNMENT REPLIES NIGERIAN GOVERNMENT.

ALHAJI GENERAL MUHAMMADU BUHARI:
That letter was seen by over 10 million people according to my digital media specialists. It reflected badly on me and my Government. I wish the Germans did not write it.

AFRICASTALLESTMAN:
What of the report by the UN Special Rapporteur on genocide in Nigeria?

ALHAJI GENERAL MUHAMMADU BUHARI:
Agnès Callamard, that French woman. It is a gang-up. The French and German are ganging up on Britain and the British fear leaving the European Union.
I have awarded a large contract to Siemens of Germany and will award one to EDF of France. If the French and German gang-up continue, I will threaten to withdraw the contracts. If President Trump can “whitemail” Ukraine over military aid, I can “blackmail” Germany and France.

AFRICASTALLESTMAN:
What do you think about the bombing of Saudi Arabian oil fields by the Houthis?

ALHAJI GENERAL MUHAMMADU BUHARI:
Shh! Turn off your tape recorder. I hope they bomb more oil facilities in Saudi Arabia so Nigeria can export more oil at higher prices. Ruganization, Islamization, and Fulanization are draining Nigerian resources, we need more oil revenues.

AFRICASTALLESTMAN:
How are you enjoying your trip to New York?

ALHAJI GENERAL MUHAMMADU BUHARI:
I thought I was in London. All foreign cities look alike. Does New York have a Queen as London?

AFRICASTALLESTMAN:
No, New York has a Mayor.

ALHAJI GENERAL MUHAMMADU BUHARI:
Mayor, Queen, they are all the same.

AFRICASTALLESTMAN:
Thank you, Alhaji President, it is time to take your pills for dementia.

ALHAJI GENERAL MUHAMMADU BUHARI:
Thank you “Africaman,” please continue to look out for Africans.

AFRICASTALLESTMAN:
You are welcome, Alhaji President. Enjoy your stay in London, sorry New York.