The saying, “If you cannot fight them join them,” does not hold true in Nigeria. The corrupt club is so overcrowded in Nigeria, that there is no room for any new members. The corrupt rate for contracts is well established. Why bother to deal with unknown entities when your current benefactor is performing superbly?

Well, there is a way to become corrupt. You don the toga of anti-corruption; it may also help to change your prefix to Comrade. You recruit a few gullible, unemployed, exuberant, and clueless youth and stage demonstrations against corruption and corrupt officials. Pay a few thousand Naira to compromised newspaper reporters and you suddenly become a recognized anti-corruption fighter.

Why Comrade? A comrade in Nigeria is officially recognized as one who fights for the masses. Nigerians still believe in the real animal farm, the defunct Soviet Union as the epitome of egalitarianism. Only a few know that the system of organized slavery practiced in the Soviet Union has metamorphosed into a system of corruption, as championed by the Oligarchs. Only in Nigeria will a Comrade graduate into a Governor and an anti-corruption champion become a Senator. Both became fabulously rich with their transformations.

Dino Melaye, a renowned anti-corruption fighter has fought corruption so much that he now reeks of corruption. His fights have earned him a Senatorship representing Kogi State, a multi-billion Naira mansion in Abuja, a stable of exotic and vintage cars valued at several billion Naira. In addition, he lives a life of the rich and famous. Any real anti-corruption fight will recoil with utmost disdain at such a corrupt lifestyle.

Comrade Oshiomhole metamorphosed from a labor leader to a Governor and along the way acquired the exquisitely beautiful Lara Fortes as a spouse. These are the gains of his anti-corruption fight against big government and big industries. Comrades threaten a general strike and the government panics. The Comrades are settled, and the strike is called off in the interest of National unity and economic prosperity. During Comrade Oshiomhole’s send-off party, President Buhari had remarked that the Comrade is needed in Abuja. The recycling continues.

How do you join the party? First become an anti-corruption fighter, the Dino Melaye way or change your name from Mr. Wazobia to Comrade Wazobia, the Oshiomhole way. If there is no trade union to lead, just form one. A good one may be “The Association of One-eyed Beggars of Nigeria.” Then organize protests that rail against corruption and corrupt officials. With little inducements to newspaper reporters, you will become a household name. The corrupt being averse to notoriety will “settle” you by giving you contracts thereby facilitating your entry into their club. For the uninitiated, settlement means bribe in Nigeria.

The easiest route to riches in Nigeria is politics. Nigerian legislators earn over $2 million annually at the Federal level. Whereas governors’ earnings are limited by the finances of their state. As the so-called Executive Governors, their actions are beyond reproach while they are in office. When they leave office, the toothless bulldog called the EFCC (Economic and Financial Crimes Commission) will publicize the harassment of the looting governors for a few days and their cases disappear into thin air. The EFCC can be settled, failing which the judges can be settled. The unabashed few save themselves a lot of money by declaring for the ruling party if their party is in opposition at the Federal level. Their case files suddenly disappear.

The mess will only get stinkier as the coming generation are already well versed in the corrupt system. Beckoning on Heaven or prayers are ineffective. The only solution is a revolution or genetic engineering.

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