TOP THIRTEEN KILLERS OF NIGERIANS

BRIEF ILLNESS

Kills more than the rest combined.
Does not discriminate by age, sex,
Sexual orientation, wealth, or religion.
Unsurvivable disease, lethality is 100%.
It is every Nigerian’s prayer to be
Killed by a brief illness or disease.
Brief illnesses survivable outside Nigeria,
Kills inside Nigeria at high rates.
Foreigners advised to avoid
Brief illnesses while in Nigeria.

REMOTING*

Very deadly, second to brief illness,
Any deadly disease can be remoted,
Across vast distances by Pastors,
Witches, wizards, voodooists, and the wicked.
Christians, immune if consistent with
Praying, tithing, fasting, and sowing.
Remoting, deadly afraid of Christians,
Covered with the blood of Jesus Christ!
Tithers, prayer warriors, voodooists,and clergy
Immune to remoting but can remote over
Any distance with the right “tithe.”

MALARIA

Kills mostly children and pregnant women.
Mosquitoes have also made Nigeria,
The mosquito capital of the world.
Nigerian mosquitoes, so brazen
They attack humans and animals.
Hitherto, nocturnal, Nigerian mosquitoes
Currently attack 24/7/366, dispensing
Malaria indiscriminately to all and sundry.
Sorry state of healthcare and fake drugs
Combine to enhance the lethality of malaria.

PNEUMONIA

Big killer of Nigerian children.
Avoids Nigerian adults especially
Males whose lungs are already
Home to nicotine and cannabis.
Pneumonia hates competition,
Preferring young unspoiled lungs.
Absence of healthcare, ensures that
This preventable and highly treatable disease
Continues to feature prominently,
As a leading cause of Nigerian deaths.

DIARRHEA

Still a big killer of Nigerians at high rates.
There is no escaping diarrhea in Nigeria.
Diarrhea is in the food.
Diarrhea is in the fruits.
Diarrhea is in the vegetables.
Diarrhea is in the water.
Especially “pure water,” which
Is diarrhea, packed in sachets,
For rapid distributions and transmission
To the unwary and unsuspecting citizens.

ACCIDENTS

Only remedy for this disease,
Is never to travel, is never to
Travel by any means of transportation.
Roads are death and cow traps.
Nigerian roads are cow routes.
Nigerian waterways infested by
Kidnappers, cow dung, and ritual killers.
Nigerian airspace inundated by
Witches, wizards, and other flying objects,
That plane crashes are inevitable.

CANCER

Cancers, so afraid of Nigerians that the
League of Cancers relocated to
Afghanistan, America, Armenia, Azerbaijan
Canada, Cambodia, Colombia, Chad, and
Others that can be cowed by cancer.
No Nigerian over 100 years ever killed by
Cancer, heart attack, pneumonia, or stroke
But always brief illnesses.
Nigerians can survive cancer for eons
And suddenly die of a brief illness.

HEART ATTACK

Not a major killer of Nigerians.
Nigerians’ hearts, so steeled
By adversity, terrorism, state brutality,
Hunger, and daily experiences of murder and mayhem,
By Ritualists, Terrorists, and Security forces.
Nigerian hearts, highly prized as transplants
Because of immunity to heart attacks.
Heart attacks have relocated to countries
Whose citizens still possess human hearts.
Heart attacks emulating cancer.

STROKE

Usually sent by remoting
To enemies, foes, stingy, and unfriendly friends.
Since it is a “spiritual attack,”
Avoid hospitals and medical doctors.
Synagogues, prayer houses, and herbal medicines,
Best suited for “spiritual attacks.”
What the hell does the West know about
Spells, remoting and spiritual attacks?
Survivors left physically, and sometimes
Mentally incapacitated by the offending spirits!

FULANI TERRORIST HERDSMEN

This disease never leaves one unscathed.
If it does not kill or maim you, surely will kill
Your spouse, children, or other relatives.
Also will claim your house, and property
By incineration, and convert your land
To a RUGA** for Fulani cattle.
Government, unwilling to classify this
Deadly disease as a disease, but rather
A malady, illness, or an affliction caused by foreigners, and
Environmental change due to global warming.

BOKO HARAM

Only few sufferers escape this disease.
Only “Technicality” is mode of death.
Do you prefer beheading, explosion, or butchering?
Female survivors turned into sex slaves.
Child survivors turned into IEDs*.
No males survive Boko Haram.
Has a high predilection for Nigerians
In any uniform – priests, clergy, military, police.
With the partner disease, Al Qaeda Haram,
Mortality rates can only go up.

CHILDBIRTH

Kills more Nigerian women
Than the rest of the world combined.
Affluent women escape the disease
By delivering babies outside Nigeria.
Survivors, scarred for life,
Stool exits through urine hole, and
Urine exits through stool hole.
Kills teenagers at a high rate.
Surely, will continue to claim more lives,
As Nigeria is the child marriage and childbirth capital.

HUNGER

Nigerians now define hunger as BB or AB.
BB is before Buhari, pre-2015, and
AB is after Buhari, post-2015.
There was hunger before Buhari,
It was insidious and subterranean.
With the coming of Buhari, hunger
So bold and vicious, as to go
House to house, town to town,
Seeking victims to scourge.
Yes, Nigeria is the poverty capital!

GLOSSARY

**IDE – Improvised Explosive Device. *Remoting – As in effecting harmful actions, through time and space, extraphysically, compare transmission, as in radio waves.
**RUGA – Real Estate Under Government Annexation for Fulani cattle.