AFRICASTALLESTMAN AGAIN INTERVIEWS PRESIDENT MUHAMMADU BUHARI

AFRICASTALLESTMAN:
Good afternoon, Alhaji President.

PRESIDENT BUHARI:
Good afternoon, Africastallestman.
Welcome to “Dadan” Barracks, Abuja.

AFRICASTALLESTMAN:
Alhaji President, this is Aso Rock, Abuja. Dodan Barracks is in Lagos.

PRESIDENT BUHARI:
Well, no problem, I have lived in both as President.

AFRICASTALLESTMAN:
Why did you avoid the Presidential debate?

PRESIDENT BUHARI:
Me, Mr. Integrity on the same stage with looters? I would have left that debate more corrupt than Tinubu. It only takes 30 minutes of proximity to a corrupt person, for a non-corrupt person to become corrupt.

AFRICASTALLESTMAN:
With so many corrupt persons in your Administration, you must be corrupt yourself.

PRESIDENT BUHARI:
I don’t let any of them come near me. I give them orders through Abba Kyari.

AFRICASTALLESTMAN:
Or, is it Abba Kyari writing orders for you to sign. You are not aware of the harassment of the Chief Justice of Federation, Walter Nkanu Onnoghen by Abba Kyari.

PRESIDENT BUHARI:
Why should an Igbo man from Nkanu be the Chief Justice of Nigeria? Chief Justice from a Zone that gave me 5%, while the rest of Nigeria gave me 97%.

AFRICASTALLESTMAN:
Alhaji President, The Chief Justice is from the South South and not the South East.

PRESIDENT BUHARI:
Well, the South South is also part of Biafra. After Operation Python Dance IV, they will give me 107 percent of their votes this time.

AFRICASTALLESTMAN:
Ninety seven percent plus five percent is 102% and now you are talking about 107%?

PRESIDENT BUHARI:
Yes, when people love you, they can vote for you more than once.

AFRICASTALLESTMAN:
You mean rigging?

PRESIDENT BUHARI:
The AFP has been accusing the APD of planning to rig the election. They said Amina Zakari is my in-law, instead of saying that she is my niece. The AFP is a corrupt party and have a corrupt Atiku as her Presidential Candidate.

AFRICASTALLESTMAN:
Do you mean the PDP and APC?

PRESIDENT BUHARI:
How do you expect an 86-year old to remember the names of 91 political parties when I do not remember if I ate yam or beans at breakfast?

AFRICASTALLESTMAN:
Do you also have a hearing problem, have dementia, or both?

PRESIDENT BUHARI:
If dementia is an unknown illness, I have it. My hearing has never been the same since I was detained by Col. Sambo Dasuki in 1985. I am glad the detention did not affect my eyes.
Professor Ambrose Alli lost his vision and died after I detained him.

AFRICASTALLESTMAN:
Alhaji President, prior to your election or selection by Alhaji Professor Attahiru Jega, you did not know the meaning of INEC, APC, or the name of your running mate in a televised interview. Your dementia predates your assumption of the Presidency.

PRESIDENT BUHARI:
Discipline can cure any dementia or any social malady. Do you remember the War Against Indiscipline that was already developing Nigeria, until Dasuki arrested me on the orders of Babangida? Dasuki will rot in jail.

AFRICASTALLESTMAN:
Your war on indiscipline plunged Nigeria into recession and led to your removal through another military election. This time, the universal feeling is that Nigerians may remove you through the ballot box.

PRESIDENT BUHARI:
Not again, no one is going to remove me this time, not with Buratai, Adamu, and Yakubu taking orders in Hausa from me.

AFRICASTALLESTMAN:
You are Nigeria’s Oil Minister. What is the price of a barrel of Nigeria’s oil?

PRESIDENT BUHARI:
It is $360 for a barrel.

AFRICASTALLESTMAN:
Alhaji, you are missing up the Naira-dollar exchange rate, with the price of crude oil.

PRESIDENT BUHARI:
Well, both have dollars.

AFRICASTALLESTMAN:
Is your doppelgänger from Sudan, Alhaji Jubrin al-Sudani still in Nigeria?

PRESIDENT BUHARI:
I do not think so. Mazi Nnamdi Kanu exposed him and we had him secretly flown to Khartoum on Chanchangi Sudanese Airways, one of the two Sudanese Airlines approved to start operations in Nigeria.

AFRICASTALLESTMAN:
No Alhaji, Chanchangi is not Sudanese.

PRESIDENT BUHARI:
One more correction and I will have you arrested.

AFRICASTALLESTMAN:
How many Presidential Candidates does the APC have?

PRESIDENT BUHARI:
Tinubu and Amaechi are at it again!

AFRICASTALLESTMAN:
Not really Alhaji. You handed over your campaign to Tinubu, wanted Osinbajo to debate Atiku, and handed over the flag to Great Ogboru making it four APC Presidential Candidates, including yourself.

PRESIDENT BUHARI:
I would have arrested you if you are not from the BBC. I. G. Adamu, take him to his Keke Napep. You must be one of those journalists corrupted by Atiku. This is not the Africastallestman of old.

AFRICASTALLESTMAN:
Muttering to himself, “Why would any nation permit a demented, old, and uneducated person, controlled and tele-guided by corrupt sycophants manage her affairs? Well, only in a shit hole country in a shit hole continent. There is no hope for Africa.”