AFRICASTALLESTMAN INTERVIEWS NIGERIA’S OIL MINISTER, PRESIDENT ALHAJI MUHAMMADU BUHARI ON CHRISTMAS DAY, 2017

Africastallestman:
Barka Da Sallah. Is it true that you are also the Oil Minister for Nigeria?

President Buhari:
Barka Da Sallah Africastallestman, oil is too important to be left to a mere minister, the President should handle the Oil Ministry. Did you forget that I was Oil Minister in 1976 and later Chairman of NNPC (Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation) from 1977 to 1978?

Africastallestman:
Are you aware, Alhaji President or is it Alhaji Oil Minister, of the long fuel queues in Asokoro, Abuja that stretches all the way to Gwagwalada?

President Buhari:
Those PDP criminals again.

Africastallestman:
The PDP has been out of power for almost three years and you are still blaming every problem in this country on the PDP.

President Buhari:
The PDP did not hand over the keys to the fuel storage tanks. We imported enough petroleum products to last the nation for 12 months in anticipation of the increased yuletide demand. However, the refined petroleum products are sequestrated in the tanks since the PDP has the keys.

Africastallestman:
In 1977 as Oil Minister and NNPC Chairman, you promised Nigerians that fuel scarcity would be history from 1978. Here, 40 years later, the fifth largest oil-exporting nation in the world is still experiencing long fuel lines. Do you have any plans to start refining crude oil in Nigeria?

President Buhari:
Yes of course. Will Nigerians use local PMS (Premium Motor Spirit)? They shun the few petrol stations that sell Nigerian PMS for those that sell foreign PMS. Nigerians prefer everything foreign. Western Nations use palm oil and vegetable oil as biodiesel but not Nigerians. Our Malaysian experts have recommended converting our palm oil mills into crude oil refineries to ease the PMS shortages.

Africastallestman:
Palm oil and vegetable oil are more expensive than PMS in Nigeria. Also, most automobiles on Nigerian roads use PMS and not diesel. How is it possible to convert palm oil mills into crude oil refineries?

President Buhari:
Oil is oil! Palm oil and vegetable oil are used as biodiesel because they are similar to crude oil. Converting those palm oil mills to crude oil refineries will save us billions of dollars.

Africastallestman:
I knew that you had something up your sleeves when you became oil minister. Have you thought about firing all your Ministers and taking over all the other portfolios?

President Buhari:
The problem is the PDP. The PDP will increase their sabotage if I handle all the ministries. Some of my Ministers are PDP defectors so the PDP is not as vicious with their attacks on their ministries.

Africastallestman:
During your reign as Oil Minister and NNPC Chairman in the 1970’s, $2.8 billion disappeared into thin air. Also, huge sums of money were unaccounted for during your Chairmanship of the PTF (Petroleum Trust Fund).

President Buhari:
Thank you for that question, Africastallestman. It has been rumored that I am corrupt because of those missing money. Nigerian banks do not operate on weekends as banks in advanced countries.
Governor Barkin Zuwo of Kano also kept large sums of money in the Government House. There is a problem when you keep the money in your personal house. Keeping government money in your government office or Government House is allowed.
As Chairman of the NNPC and later PTF, I had to keep large sums of money in my office to pay suppliers during the weekends. Unbeknownst to me rats burrowed into my office and took the money.

Africastallestman:
Are these the same rats that drove you out of your office in Abuja?

President Buhari:
Have you read of suspects turning into goats after being apprehended by the police? With voodoo, anything is possible in Nigeria. Humans who were turned into rats by voodoo doctors made away with the $2.8 billion and the PTF funds.
Human PDP members who turned into rats to find incriminating evidence against me burglarized my office in Abuja. When they could not find documents implicating Babachir, Maina, Oke and so on, they vandalized my office. This burglary is similar to Nixon’s Watergate.
I have hired an Alfa at a cost of $1 billion to fish out the real rats from the human rats at Aso Rock.

Africastallestman:
One billion dollars to fish out human rats?

President Buhari:
We have recovered over $20 billion stolen during the last PDP Administration. I am keeping the money in my office at Aso Rock until we determine that the money is genuine. Nigerians can refund counterfeit money and keep the real money. One billion dollars is a small price to pay to safeguard $20 billion. Any fake rat discovered by the Alfa will be swallowed by pythons or eaten by crocodiles.
Since my grass cutting allowance was reduced from $2 billion to $1 billion dollars, I cannot see out of my window. The whole Aso Rock is overgrown with tall grasses. I had to fire an innocent Babachir because Nigerians wanted the head of an innocent man. I have sent a request to the National Assembly to restore my grass cutting allowance to $2 billion a year.

Africastallestman:
One last question, this is not about oil but falls under your portfolio as President. Why have Nigerians never had it so bad in 57 years of independence?
1. Fuel scarcity with the highest pump price in history?
2. Highest level of corruption?
3. Nepotism, now part of the National Anthem?
4. Tribalism, part of the Nigerian Constitution?
5. Return of slavery?
6. Increase in suicide bombings by Boko Haram?
7. Killings by Fulani Herdsmen aided by the security forces?
8. Civil servants committing suicide because of salary arrearages?
9. Increase in strikes by all sectors of the economy?

President Buhari:
PDP!, PDP!!, and PDP!!!.
Notice that the fuel scarcity is coming right after their convention. The APC has not held a convention or National Executive Committee Meeting in three years so as not to disturb the polity. I did everything to scuttle the PDP Convention, including forming fake factions but their convention was successful. Next, we will employ prayer warriors, babalawos, alfas, dibias, and pastors to vanquish the PDP. As long as the PDP is still alive, Nigeria will be doomed. The other option is for all members of the PDP to defect to the APC.

Africastallestman:
Thank you Oil Minister or is it Alhaji President? You have great ideas for Nigeria. Hmmmm! Elimination of the PDP will solve all of Nigeria’s problems. Could one of your drivers give me a ride? I walked 20 miles to get to your office.

President Buhari:
You are welcome. Enjoy the festivities. Musa, give Africastallestman, a ride to the airport before he misses his flight.