THE GENERALS ARE BACK!

ZUNGERU, NIGER STATE, NIGERIA – June 1, 2015.

At a secret meeting hosted by GIBB and attended by GOO, GYG, GMB, GAA, and GLMA, the retired military generals recounted their good fortunes, which were made possible by their military service. They reminisced how family, friends and neighbors derided them and their decision to join the military. GIBB summed it up by stating: “Who is laughing at whom now? Not only are we rich and famous but we also control this country.” GYG cuts in, “My friends, you have to thank me, without my prayers we would not have won the civil war nor would any of you have been President and I continue to pray for all of you. It is my turn to return as President since time is not on my side” The ever-derisive GOO responds: “GYG, please pray for electricity, water, good roads, good communications, jobs and less crime. You should have said that you wanted to go next after GMB instead of using prayers as an excuse. I should take credit for praying because not only am I a Christian, but I also consult Traditional Ifas, Muslim Alfas and has even been to Okija for prayers. If God does not listen to my prayers, how come that I have ruled longer than any of you?” GMB: “My senior general has a point here. Do you think that I would have won if not for all the Holy Ghost Fire prayers by Rev. PYO? I had a Rev. as running mate the last time but that Rev. was a converted Muslim so every time he prayed to the God, his prayer was diverted to the Moslem section. Once God writes your name down in one section, he never changes it. All the conversions here on Earth do not make it to heaven.” GAA: “We are here to play strategy so that we can continue to control this country for the next 50 years. PDP lost GOO and they lost the election. Please can we get back to business?”

GIBB playing the role of “peacemaker” proposed thus: “GMB is very ill as we all know. If he does not finish his term, GYG should be appointed Vice President. If he ran as a candidate, he would surely fail because he is closer to 90 years than 80 years. You all know how we falsified our ages to continue serving in the military past our retirement ages. We will then plot the impeachment of Rev. PYO for spending too much time praying instead of governing. GYG then becomes President. He may or may not complete his term since he is very old. Whatever the case we will present my humble self as the next President after GYG and with all your support and billions, nobody dares challenge our candidate. After me it is GAA’s turn. But we may have a problem, the Navy Admirals and Air Marshals are not happy at being left out and so also are some Army Generals from the South East and South South. They are unhappy and are demanding that we should rotate the Presidency amongst the various zones. They used the example of Ghana where a mere Flight Lieutenant from the Air Force changed the country forever. One retired Air Marshall threatened to bomb Aso Rock should the next President not come from the Navy or Air Force while his Navy colleagues would bombard Lagos, Calabar, Warri, and Port Harcourt. They will close off the nation’s air space while blockading the seaports. FLJR of Ghana is advising them and you know that FLJR means business. We better take these officers seriously. I suggest that we invite them to our next meeting in Kaduna to be hosted by GMLA.” GMLA thanked all the generals for inviting him to the meeting for the first time and pledged to undertake any task that he is assigned.

The meeting ended at midnight and they retired to the exquisitely furnished mansions provided by GIBB where beautiful damsels specially imported from Cape Verde were waiting for them. Since CAO married a smashing young beauty from that Island Nigerians have been flocking to Cape Verde to marry. Consequently, the bride price in Cape Verde has quadrupled. When the nation got wind of this plan, applications to the military schools quadrupled overnight. In the sixties you were bribed to join the military, nowadays applicants are changing their states of origin and bribing to join the military. “Wondas shalu neba cease”