CHATHAM HOUSE VISIT: AFRICASTALLESTMAN INTERVIEWS ALHAJI, CHIEF, ASIWAJU, JAGABOND BOLA AHMED ADEKUNLE TINUBU, THE APC — ALL PROGRESSIVES CONGRESS — 2023 PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE
AFRICASTALLESTMAN:
Good evening, Alhaji.
TINUBU:
Good evening, Africastallestman.
AFRICASTALLESTMAN:
Why did you go to Chatham House?
TINUBU:
Chatham House only invites future Nigerian Presidents.
AFRICASTALLESTMAN:
They also invited the other presidential candidates.
TINUBU:
Who spoke at Chatham House first, Tinubu or the other ones?
AFRICASTALLESTMAN:
Did you really speak? You read from a piece of paper and had your Errand Boys and One Woman answer the questions.
TINUBU:
Buhari was controlled by Idiagbon in the 80’s and controlled by the Cabal in the 2000’s. I am continuing the legacy of Alhaji Buhari and I shall be controlled by my Errand Boys and One Woman.
Isn’t she beautiful, I am glad the polygamist Ted Nwoko is in another party!
AFRICASTALLESTMAN:
Government by delegation is dereliction of duty. Obviously, you can blame your Errand Boys and One Woman if anything goes wrong as Buhari is blaming the Governors for Hunger and Terrorism.
TINUBU:
No, there will be no hunger, I have stockpiles of rice, beans, agbado, eba, kpomo, and ewedu to distribute after I win this election.
Terrorism will end as I will have Terrorists in my cabinet.
President George Bush could not kill Osama bin Laden.
President Hussein Obama, an Islamic US President, killed Osama bin Laden.
AFRICASTALLESTMAN:
Nigerians are concerned and deeply petrified with an Islamic-Islamic ticket at the top.
TINUBU:
Buhari wants to wipe out all Terrorists in Nigeria but Pastor Yemi Osinbajo wants to pray for them. An Islamic-Islamic President and Vice President will use Sharia law to obliterate Terrorists and their hideouts, Insha Allah.
AFRICASTALLESTMAN:
You are very clever. Now, I see why you want an Islamist as your Vice President. Gowon has been praying for 26 years, the more he prays, the more of his kinspeople are killed by Fulani Terrorist Herdsmen and their lands seized.
TINUBU:
That’s why my Vice is a non-Fulani. There are Fulanis on the other tickets. We shall deal decisively with Fulani Terrorists.
AFRICASTALLESTMAN:
How can you deal decisively with Fulanis when you are controlled by Fulanis? You had Fulanis answering questions for you at Chatham House.
What of Boko Haram? There are allegations that your running mate, a Kanuri, is a Boko Haram sympathizer.
TINUBU:
I can change my Errand Boys and One Woman at anytime but you cannot fire your Vice President or President except by death.
As I illustrated earlier, in the case of America, if my Vice is a Boko Haram sympathizer, I may order him to fly with our Air Force to identify Boko Haram hideouts in the Sambisa Forest for bombing.
AFRICASTALLESTMAN:
Since you brought up death, will you be willing to release your health records? The evasive Trump released his health records to assure American that he is not an orangutan!
TINUBU:
I’ll release mine when the other candidates release theirs.
AFRICASTALLESTMAN:
Fair enough.
TINUBU:
Do you have any more questions, it is pee and poo time. I do not want to have an accident at Chatham House and be embarrassed. There are thousands of cameras trained on me.
AFRICASTALLESTMAN:
Finally, you are boycotting the Arise Town hall meeting because you did not want Arise to make money off your appearance. What will be your fee to have audience with a contractor if you are elected President of Nigeria in 2023?
TINUBU:
Ajabaamila, Farai, Ms. Edo, Alaba, Emilokan ehh ehh, who can answer that question. Silence.
I’ll check with Buhari for continuity.
AFRICASTALLESTMAN:
Alhaji, thank you for your time. However, let me know when you’ll be answering my questions directly so I can arrange another interview.
TINUBU:
Please collect one of those brown envelopes as you leave, it is new Naira notes for your transport fare.
AFRICASTALLESTMAN:
Thank you, Alhaji, I’ll use the London Underground,
TINUBU:
Muttering, I knew it, underground, Africastallestman was sent here by the social media candidate to spy on my campaign.
AFRICASTALLESTMAN:
I heard you; the control of social media is the beginning of winning. For continuity don’t forget to keep your appointment at the London Hospital For Unknown Illnesses. Alhaji Buhari is presently being treated at the hospital under an assumed name.
TINUBU:
Thank you, Africastallestman, how did you know about my dementia?
Bye.
AFRICASTALLESTMAN:
Nothing escapes Africastallestman.
Bye, Alhaji.