PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP OF THE US HOLDS A JOINT PRESS CONFERENCE WITH VISITING PRESIDENT BUHARI OF NIGERIA.
Washington D.C., April 30, 2018.
Ladies and gentlemen of the press or should I say, “Fake press.” We welcome President Buhari of Nigeria as a trusted ally in the fight against terrorism. Nigeria is also our trading partner and a customer for our arms industry. Nigeria just took delivery of 12 Super Tucano A-29 with advanced avionics and armaments at a cost of 496 million dollars. We are also negotiating the sale of helicopters and ancillary equipment. By selling arms to Nigeria, we intend to eliminate our trade deficit with Nigeria. It is either Nigeria buys weapons from us or we will place tariffs on Nigerian crude oil, palm oil, cocoa, yams, beans, and “ogili.”
The killing of Christians by Islamic Fulani Terrorist Herdsmen in Nigeria must stop forthwith or their will be consequences for Buhari and his government. The US is also worried about the arbitrary arrest and detention of peaceful protestors especially Mazi Nnamdi Kanu of IPOB (Indigenous People of Biafra),
A democracy must tolerate peaceful dissent. Two days ago, I was roasted alive by Fake journalists gathered in Washington DC under the banner of The Annual White House Correspondents Dinner. I ignored them and went to a friendlier Washington Township, Michigan, where I schmoozed with my “Deplorables.” If this happened in Abuja, you would have sent Tucano Attack Aircrafts to bomb the hell out of them.
Thanks, President Trump for inviting me to Washington D. C. I feel elated as the first African leader to pay a state visit in your administration. We enjoy a good relationship with the US in trade and the fight against terrorism.
I am a cattle herder myself. We used to carry sticks and machetes. The sticks, to keep the animals away from Christian farmers’ crops, and the machetes to clear shrubs so our animals can munch on grass.
With the killing of Gaddafi by the US, Libyan cattle herders armed with AK-47s have infiltrated the ranks of the Fulani Herdsmen and are currently engaged in a killing spree across Nigeria sparing the Islamic States. I have urged them to kill Muslim farmers to balance the killing, but they have refused. I suspect that they are allied with ISIS (Islamic State in Iraq and Syria). With the US routing ISIS, I expect the killings to abate.
Now, the cattle herders use AK-47s to keep the farmers away from protecting their crops. If you protest, they will kill you. Cattle eating crops grow at a faster rate than cattle eating grass. Once cattle taste crops, they refuse to eat grass anymore. I have imported Brazilian grass, and the cattle have refused to go anywhere near the grass. I expected that since Nigerians prefer anything foreign that Nigerian cows will prefer foreign grass. Boy, was I wrong.
What about the kidnapped schoolgirls? These kidnappings appear to be organized by politicians, not Boko Haram. Especially intriguing is the Dapchi kidnappings where everyone was released except the Christian girl. If anything happens to Leah Sharibu, there will be consequences.
I also suggest that you start importing American grass instead of Brazilian grass. Everyone loves anything American. Our movies keep breaking world records!
The Chibok kidnappings occurred in 2014 before I took over. In fact, it helped me takeover and some people are alleging that I organized it. We quickly recovered the Dapchi girls except four who died and the Christian girl, they are holding for ransom.
We have already paid billions of dollars to Boko Haram with the help of the United Nations and we hope to secure the release of Leah with a few more million dollars.
Why the f… are you paying terrorists? Could you also explain why the “terrorists” posed with residents of Dapchi after the girls were released?
I had to give the terrorists free passage to ensure a safe return of the school girls.
Just be careful, President Buhari or what happened to Gaddafi will happen to you. The US is not happy when any dictator brutalizes his own people especially when it is of a religious nature and directed towards Christians.
President Buhari, you claim to have technically defeated Boko Haram. What the hell are you going to do with aircrafts and helicopters? Is it to kill more Christians? During an attack on Christians by Fulani Terrorist Herdsmen in Taraba State, helicopters were used to drop arms for the terrorists. How can you be simultaneously fighting and aiding terrorists? There are no cattle herders in Libya. Can you explain why you are trying terrorists in camera?
If you continue along this path, your trial at The Hague for crimes against humanity will not be fake news.
Mr President, what is “ogili?”
It is a smelly spice made of fermented castor oil beans that Nigerians use to cook. It smells like shit. That’s why I said that Nigeria is a shit hole.
The press conference is over.
Next week, I shall be receiving my friend President Vladimir Putin of Russia. You better put on your best behavior.